WARNING! I am not a great writer. There are no complicated words which sounds beautiful on its own in this writing. I am just a mumbler.
I've decided to start a blog under the title of "Let's talk about that little devil" because I really wanted to write a diary about the psychological journey I go through whilst preparing for different performances. This subject absolutely fascinates me...!! I'm sure every musicians have their own story to tell about preparing their performance psychology. I've decided to use this blog space to mumble and be absolutely open about my daily practice towards concerts..so that I can look back and go "Heeeeeeeeeeeee!" (yeah the Japanese sound) and maybe some young musicians who just experienced their first nervous performance can go.."yey, I'm not a wierdo. It just means that I'm a normal human being!".
Doing music, I always have to face mySELF....(welll, I'm sure none musicians do too!) Ugh, yes, it's horrible right?I mean looking at my cavewomanfied self every morning is enough of "facing myself" surely!
I am of course aware that every performance should be about the compositions which I am presenting and how you would like to communicate it to the audience. I of course know that..but somehow this clever thing called Nerves which was designed to make us run faster from our predators does all sorts of unwanted things like making my hands freezing cold, making me shake, making me rush in random passages for no reason, brings memory slips to my peaceful performance, dries my throat, makes me sweat, gives me sudden surprising mental blocks...THE LIST GOES ON and on... and ... o....n.......
and unfortunately even after years of training and performing..the list has not got smaller. I guess we learn to live with it well and audience don't even seem to notice it! But the truth is......I don't live by the scary lions!!! I don't need this function in my body!! It's like wisdom tooth isn't it?! We don't need them anymore! They are so yesterday! It's just a pain in the .......... mouth...!! ah! Being human is a pain!:)
I've been playing the Piano...for gosh..I do not even want to put numbers...(Scary) and the number of performances I've given in my entire life...? Hmmm.
Even after all these pupil's concerts, school concerts, junior competitions, senior competitions, conservatoire auditions, conservatoire concerts, all sorts of concerts up and down the country, concerto performances, conservatoire finals, International opportunities, I still get bullied by this little devil called nerves and even want to spend time writing about it, because somehow it is still a work in progress matter..and I think many Musos out there share the same thing.
So..yesterday I played through my programme to my best friend. (I do try and play through to people at least once before I play in concerts.) Since last year, I have been having a real battle with memory slips. Like the REAL one!! I never thought playing from memory was an issue for me until recently. I do a lot of chamber music these days and coming back to solo playing has not been easy because of the playing from memory thing. Yesterday's play through was as expected. In and out of memory slips and I am so used to it now which I find so irritating!!! I am determined to make the play through with no memory slip habitual but struggling to get out of this. I need to! No emoji can express this frustration!!
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. (Breathe) do some cardio, burn it all and start again.
So, I am back to detailed musical analysing today. Working away from the piano. Hopefully this makes my memory insurance strength from something like...I don't know..the level of reliability of British train time table to the reliability of Japanese train time table? Let's hope so! But we all know that when this Mr Nerves "the evil guy" can once in a while become a nice guy. When that happens, something magical can happen (just like the moment when that wall breaks in Roger Rabbit and the Toon town suddenly appears and all the joyful world starts singing! You know what I mean? ....no?.....no..) We don't want to be thinking about notes when that magic is happening...! I guess this musical analysis is done for the time when your concentration cuts out. When Mr Nerves starts to show it's bi£$y side, we can fight back with this extra strength post musical analysis memory insurance!!!!!!! Gwaaaa!
I guess I talk about musical analysis now because I just happen to be in that stage during my preparation....but its all balance isnt it!? The hardest thing to achieve and the most beautiful thing to have in life. I think that's what I am trying to gain again.. Study goes on.
Isn't it funny though...that the audience has no idea that performers goes through these psychological turbulence once every few .....dunno....weeks?
...but anyway talking about balance....Less glasses wine next week... oh god. Detox...
The amount we have collected from Charity Concerts for Japan is now up to £2820.55!!